got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
