saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
