Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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