I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
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They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
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I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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