I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
a search helicopter?!
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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