im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
