the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
