Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
My vagina is officially offended.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Damn victory sex feels great
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