Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
