I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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