the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
