i love accidental penises.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
