Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
