Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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