Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
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