i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
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