I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
