shes about as inviting as chlamydia
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
