I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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