She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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