he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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