I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Randomize
