My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
