I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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