Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Randomize
