i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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