I accidentally had phone sex last night
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
