I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
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