Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
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