I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Randomize
