So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
