she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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