The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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