He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
