Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
