would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
We named our party play list daddy issues
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Randomize
