Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Randomize
