and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
