I think im going to throw up on grandma
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Randomize
