you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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