now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
