I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
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