remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize
