Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
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