I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
