quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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