Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
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