My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
