So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
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