I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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