Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
