I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
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The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
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I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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