The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
