The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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