He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
