she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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