I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Randomize
