My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
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