That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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