You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
