I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
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